Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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