I can tuck mytits in my pants
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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