Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
