I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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