FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
