that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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