WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
