she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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