my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
