My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
