I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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