Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
