yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
