it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
