wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
