Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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