i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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