in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize