did you get engaged???
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
