he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
