Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize