I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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