sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
