chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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