if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
