I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
