fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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