I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She's the barista slut.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
