Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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