we're blogging at a bar
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
organizing the empties. That sober.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize