My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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