True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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