He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
