U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
