It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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