im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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