i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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