if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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