I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
