I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
