The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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