My balls are so social today.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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