I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
