We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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