Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
