I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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