I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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