We won't sleep together?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize