I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
