I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
