I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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