Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize