just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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