shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
