I didn't shave. On purpose
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
