Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
