M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
