if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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