john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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