My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
