When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
