Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
