Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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