I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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