Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
