It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
